Returning to India - final moments, the dilemma I thought never existed

So, a lot of you must be thinking...where did I vanish after having made such a sensational debut on the blogging circuit! :) For those who are not aware yet, I relocated to India at the end of July and its just been one thing after another, thats taken me away from getting back to this space! But...no regrets, 'coz I did not just fill this space just for the heck of it! :) It took me all this while to get back and I thought what best other than to share my closing moments of living in Fairfield, CT - the place where I lived for more than 3 years, the place where I started my married life, the place where I became what I am as a professional today!

In a world where all actions have to be justified by hard logical reasoning, there is little room left for ambivalence or dilemma. This is especially true when it comes to NRIs wanting to return to India. The issue of whether to return has been debated and re-debated for years and very few, if any, have really found a general compelling reason one way or the other. This is because it is an extremely complex topic involving economical, cultural and emotional issues. I had always thought that I wanted to return to India for good, but never knew when would it be....I kept keeping milestones and kept pushing them back, but it was always at the back of my mind! The way it happened, though....was way quicker than I would have ever expected :)

When I moved out first in early 2004, I had encountered the usual roadblocks to adjusting in a world outside the four corners of my home! The emotional adjustment was relatively easier as I got over the initial homesickness and frequent trips back home for a fairly long period never hurt either! However, the cultural adjustment was a much longer one...the gap is far bigger than what most Indians expect before they live in the West. For example, our food habits, topics of conversation, ways of recreation were all quite different. But again, these were all considered the usual hurdles for a first generation emmigrant and therefore never questioned.

Time always seems to fly for everyone, but when living a fast-paced American lifestyle this cliché couldn't be truer. With work, home and more recently, a spouse I lived life king size, spiced up by a Bollywood new release, every Friday, shopping on all mega sale events and exploring new cuisines every weekend...life was fun. And before I knew it, I had already lived outside of India for 6 years..most of those being in the US. But I think for almost all that time, I nurtured a desire to be able to return one day. This was kept close to my heart initially, and later voiced pretty openly too! Though, whenever I disclosed this to others I ended up getting really confused. What is the rationale behind this, some would ask. Is it to renew family ties or have children and bring them up in an Indian culture? Is it some vague longing for a past that was left long behind? Or worse, is it some far fetched ambition to serve your country and make a positive change? The very idea was often ridiculed. Horror stories of people suffering after moving back were told as proof of this fallacy. My own cousin having returned to India and then gone back within a short period of 12 months, did not help my cause! Then there were others like me, who were more ambivalent. Our hearts longed to return but we hadn't figured out how. Some of us planned to work for a few more years and then decide - maybe after getting to a higher career level; maybe after some more savings; maybe after having kids. It was popularly known as the 'X+1 syndrome'. (When an Indian professional becomes a 'Non-Resident Indian', he soon starts suffering from a strange disease. The symptoms are a fixture of restlessness, anxiety, hope and nostalgia. The virus is a deep inner need to get back home. Like Shakespeare said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." The medical world has not coined a word for this malady. Strange as it is, it could go by a stranger name, the "X + 1" syndrome. To explain, if 'X' is the current year, then the objective is to return back to India in the 'X + 1' year. Since 'X' is a changing variable, the objective is never reached)

The desire to return seemed to grow stronger everyday. It seemed to grow in some irrational corner of my mind which I knew could never be touched by reason - though I had created a new argument to justify my case. I used to say...."Its all about prioritization. If your career/professional life as well as a comfortable lifestyle is a priority, the US was the place to stay; however, if social life/family and friends as well as living in a country that you belong to as a 'first class citizen' was a priority, then Go India!" Most people agreed with it and believed it to be something that made sense. But within myself, I didnt know 100% which category did I fall in, though I was always heavily inclined to the latter, but the frills of the former attracted me nevertheless!

I thought, the only way to deal with all of this, is to experience it. And therefore, I had expressed my desire to return back to India with GE to my manager and finally after a long time, I could even see the opportunity. GE was setting up a M&A team in India and it was the perfect opportunity for me to join in! My offer for the new role came on July 2, and I was supposed to join August 1... wow, after having wanted to return for more than 4 years, I had just 4 weeks to pack and actually relocate! Those 4 weeks were a lot of fun in my life - I could actually see for the first time, how people felt they were gonna miss me.... after all relationships had been formed over years - I began to realize, I did have a good social circle in the US too! But anyways, the joy of coming back was above everything else! Having endured the 'X+1' syndrome for years, I felt almost shocked to have to move back so suddenly. On one hand I felt like sitting back and contemplating on the huge change that was about to happen. And on the other, I had almost an endless list of things to do - closing bank accounts, shopping clothes for the foreseeable future (I almost could not think of wearing anything outside of the brands that I used to wear), making travel arrangements, and completing all remaining projects at work. And last but not the least, attending the few farewells...was leaving some of those people behind who had become my 'new family', spending time with them on all weekends and going out for vacations and long dinners during the week - I suddenly began to feel, it wasn't as easy to just pack and go as I had always thought of it, to be! One of the friends coming over to see us off at the airport has probably been one of the more emotional moments in my recent life!:(

The people who came to know about it - both at work and outside had a wide range of reactions - from sadness that we were leaving to rejoicing in the fact that we were returning to India. Some of them mentioned that I was really lucky and given a similar opportunity they would do the same. But without exception they all asked the big question, WHY. Our grocery store keeper asked my wife, "Have your visa's expired and your company is not renewing them??" (I thought to myself, would that be the only reason she could think for someone to go back to India???)

I was in a big dilemma. Although it seemed so simple, because this is what I always wanted, it didn't seem so obvious any more. So I wondered - what if I said I had no hard reasons? What if I said that I was returning to a place where I felt I belonged? What if I said that I was following my heart? Would that be too vague?

Finally, I decided to dodge the question. I told them, "I have family there and I don't have to compromise on my career either. I followed my career when I moved here and am still doing the same with the new M&A set up in India being a unique opportunity". They all nodded as if it made great sense to them. It was the most rational reason I could come up with. I felt it was best to avoid any debates at this stage. Besides, I knew no hard reasons existed.

I thought, "may be I'll figure it out one day after settling down in India".

In ourselves, are triumph and defeat

Not in the clamor of the crowded street,

Not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng,

But in ourselves, are triumph and defeat!

C.W. Longenecker had once said, "Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man. But soon or late the man who wins, is the man who thinks he can". Whether you're playing a sport or you're at work or even personally in all the struggles that life presents, I have always wondered what it takes to win! While some would say you need a lot of luck, there are others who would say its sheer hard work and perseverance and yet, there will be those who believe winning is not the ultimate objective at all! So what does it take to win and whether indeed it is essential to win?? What better way to illustrate the point, than quoting T.A. Edison, when he remarked....We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb. While some didn't work, others just flashed and went dead and some only lasted a few minutes...but Edison believed that each attempt to create a light bulb was a step ahead in his learning process...he believed in himself that he could eventually succeed in getting one to work long enough that it would make sense to make it for sale to the public!

We all have bad days and moments...it could come in various ways, it could be issues with friends, family problems, illness, financial problems in our lives etc. Defeat in our lives does not necessarily mean the end of our world. Defeat comes in once in a while but the real defeat is when we fail to overcome whatever circumstances that come our way. If we think and believe we can win, we surely can. To this argument one may say, where is the role of hard work if only thinking and believing is all that it takes? Well, to believe something means to put your ideas into practice and therefore, there comes in the significance of effort/hard work! Rather than allowing defeats to demoralize us, we can turn it around to our advantage and analyze why we lost and strike a deal for effective trials in the future. Defeats are somewhat a blessing in disguise as they make us learn more about ourselves than we possibly can do otherwise. And then again, if we ourselves feel that we would lose, then of course we surely will!

Is winning all that important? I know we always say its more important to play than to win...its the effort that counts and not the result etc etc! But tell me something how many of us would go into playing a sport thinking its okay to lose? How many of us would take up a venture assuming it would be fine to fail in it? How many would take up a challenge in life with the intention of just working through the issues and not aiming to resolve them (i.e, win)? I bet the answer to all those questions is none of us! It is really the desire to succeed, the thrill of victory, the essence of being triumphant that gets us motivated to continue... to pursue our endeavours... to fight against all odds; and yet, if we do end up defeated, it is just one of the several attempts we would make to get that thing done! So I'd say winning is probably the single most motivating driver that pushes man to do everything that he does! What I am not saying is that if we don't win, its the end of life.... all I'm trying to say is that we should always enter into something and put in our best as if we wanted to be victorious - that's the only factor we can control! There are several other factors that are beyond our control and therefore the result is not purely a function of our effort, so it is our mind that needs to understand that all "I" can do is to try to succeed, to try and be triumphant...and then whether or not "I" am eventually the winner, depends on a whole lot of other factors that play a role in it! Therefore, what I say is that when we end up being defeated, we should not consider it to be an end to all the future genuine endeavours that we should make in order to pursue something..to succeed; we should just consider it as one of the stepping stones to the forthcoming success, the ensuing triumph!

And...what is triumph...is it the ability to defeat others or is it the successful ending of one's own struggle? I'd define winning as achieving a pre-meditated goal! In other words to triumph is to succeed and vice-versa. So then, exactly why is it important? The answer is simple: Man is born to win...we have a primal instinct that compels us to achieve, that drive is what's behind each thought and action...it is what initiates every moment of our lives! So we feel happy and overjoyed when we achieve what we target and emerge victorious and at the same time, get upset when the opposite happens. It is only human to be disappointed when we lose, to be dejected and demoralized by defeat and I encourage all of us to feel the resentment that defeat can cause...for it is only when we feel that ways, that we will gather up all the courage, sit up and decide to fight against it and draw out a plan to win the next time! It is indeed in our own minds as to how we want to approach something....whether to be bogged down by failures or to learn from each failure on what mistakes not to repeat in the future. One would then question: What about repeated failures on different counts? If we try several times and still not succeed? It is important to appreciate that we will not always win...there are going to be times when we will have to lose, there are going to be events in which we will have to face defeat, so then how does it matter? Well, it does!! Take for example someone who is a professional tennis player: how many of us think that he will be disappointed if he loses a chess game with his friend, if two weeks later, he has the Wimbledon trophy with him? Or, would a presiding member of parliament be upset if he fails to learn a new language after trying a few times, if he does end up winning a second term eventually? Get what I'm trying to say?? Its all about the battles we want to pick in our lives...we need to be able to prioritize in our minds on what are the few things that make life worth living and focus all our attention in winning on those fronts and I'm sure if all our energy is channelized to concentrate on the few things that we want to win, the few areas that 'drive' us...we will definitely succeed, not just in those areas alone, but also in general, for the moment we stop thinking about 'losing' on other grounds, we succeed in eliminating the word defeat from our lives altogether!!

In the end, I can only remember Sir Steve Redgrave, the man who won five consecutive Olympic gold medals in rowing...Winning is all in the mind!